tomb robbing and world domination as a hobby
by rlenavampyre14
Summary: are you stressed out? have you ever wanted the world under your control? have you ever wanted to steal something so badly you could taste it? then this is the book for you!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: my toenail is eating my friend(s dork eating dog.  
(Translation: I own yugi-oh just like I own Lord of the rings, and star  
wars)  
  
Lesson 1: intimidating hair  
no matter what anyone says gravity defying hair is the key to looking fear  
inducing, I mean you can(t just give yourself an afro and expect everyone  
to hand you their bank account, no it needs something nice and gravity  
defying, now I don(t want you to go off and buy a yami wig because then you  
just look like a rainbowfied kuriboh which is hardly intimidating, infact  
if yami could actually lose at something then nobody would be scared of him  
in fact hey would laugh at his feeble design sense plus he looks like a  
poser punk, and that(s just plain sad there are enough of those already  
without his help, so you need to get a gallon of hairgel and look at your  
hair, if it(s about shoulder length then you will be sure to probably get  
something like mine or marik(s hair which of course is very terror  
inducing, my bangs are lovely of course, so take that as example, you  
should know it(s like the big-time rappers with their cars, the big spokes  
are their thing, the gravity defying hair is ours, the bigger and more  
ornate it looks the better it is, so far the pharaoh has won temporarily  
but soon my hair will be bigger and more colored and more gravity defying  
than his but he will never beat my bangs that go about two inches from my  
head and point down so hah! Take that pharaoh! Your bangs are much less  
gravity defying than mine!!!!  
What we have learned:  
hair is good when it is big.  
cool people that have big hair get more dates than ones with lesser hair.  
To be a good tomb robber you may not have an afro or something so simple as  
Joe(s hair I mean all he needs is some hair spray I at least spend my good  
three hours perfecting my bangs  
  
skunky: reveiw, this one will actually be humorous, my other one was going  
to be humor, but I got a good idea after I posted it, so it(s now  
angst/supernatural 


	2. lesson two with bakura, marik, andRoyou?

World domination for stress releif  
and tomb robbing for relaxation  
lesson 2: making your clothing stand out straight (idea given by takusi)  
with Marik, Bakura and our special guest Royou  
(fangirls sigh, and tomb robbers/ world dominator wannabees show off their  
cool hair from the last lesson)  
Marik=this writing  
Royou= this writing  
Bakura= this writing  
Well first off you(ll want a very cool looking trench coat type thing...  
you may want to rob a gothic shop for such a thing or if you are really  
stupid-er Daring you may want to try to steal one from Kaiba....  
I don(t think this is legal for you to be advertising this to  
impressionable younger kids Marik.  
Shut up Royou  
Well while Marik has a nice fight with my weak hikiri....back to the making  
your clothes stick out menacingly, first off it takes a nice menacing coat,  
one that looks as though it could double as a parachute when held  
correctly...Hang on  
(What(s happening)  
(DIE DEMON!!!!!( shouted Marik chasing Royou around the house with a  
chainsaw (now really is it absolutely nessecary to compare me to yourself  
in such a way?( Marik rolled his eyes (oh the accent, I HATE THE  
ACCENT!!!!!(  
Royou appeared to be defending himself with a frying pan and a roll of  
toilet paper...and marik appeared to be going out of his mind...even more  
so than usual, in fact he appeared to be muttering-in egyptian- sixteen  
generations of curses  
(a/n I caught myself writing in (commercials( in here instead of curses...I  
am that tired...I don(t know why I was thinking of commercials though...)  
Directed to Royou(s ancestors while Royou was reciting the Lord(s Prayer. (  
uh Marik I(ll be taking over since you are busy trying to kill my alternate  
self/body.( Marik growled and began to chop artful holes in the sofa then  
shovel handfuls of the filling into Royou(s shoes.  
(Right....( Bakura walked back to the computer  
(back to the calm lessons)  
right well once you have found the perfect coat, go into a store and steal  
either a lot of starch or about twenty pounds of candy .  
In the case of the starch spray your coat so thickly with the stuff that it  
can now stand up by itself, form it into a nice rippling pattern to go  
straight out streaming from your @$$ as if there are 75 mile per four winds  
coming from it, the only thing wrong with this is that you turn around to  
talk to someone and you end up knocking someone flat to the pavement, but  
this is only a problem if you have any shreds of goodness left in you, I do  
not so I do this. Other people like to stuff thier hind parts with 20  
pounds of candy to get the same effect, but people comment on how much you  
weigh then and it makes sitting down a right pain in the-well you get the  
point... so at any rate that basically wraps up-  
Marik:Kill the hell child!!! (points at royou who is hiding behind Bakura(s  
starched coat)  
fangirls: It(s Marik!!!! (carry him off in a squealing mass of mary sues  
floating off the ground)  
Royou: whew!  
///////////////////////////////////////  
reveiw  
(I(m tired and don(t want to spend time rambling, plus I need to finish my  
math homework)  
-cheers*yawn*  
^_^  
( bum bum bum you(re a bum(  
-Takusi (you must have your knickers in a bunch...what kind of idiot says  
that? I mean at least he could be courteous and call me a dickhead or  
something) heheh that was one of your greater moments Tak! ^_^; 


	3. lesson three with Marik

Chapter three will be a little short because my mom is going to kill me if  
i stay up much later,  
for ROYOU-IS-MINE ^_^  
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////  
evil giggling with marik: lesson three  
_____________________  
now that you have your intimidating hair, and your intimidating clothing  
you are ready to work on the evil giggling, yes it is very fun, and if done  
just right makes for the perfect setup for blackmail....( With a camera you  
foolish mortals)  
first off none of this high pitched crud that royou does.  
(Royou fangirls are crying offstage, and royou looks rather upset at being  
called girly)  
you want to laugh maniacally take Bakura for example:  
(curtains go up on Bakura, who is perfecting his bangs)  
alrighty now for an assistant...royou! (Dissapointed fangirls)  
now you are the stupid pharaoh who burned my village, and I am the psyco  
tomb robber  
(royou;O.o)  
Now I am losing  
(royou:^_^)  
And I will now laugh maniacally, which gives you a great amount of  
confusion  
(royou: *really is confused*)  
and because of this you don(t seem to notice my trained thugs beating you  
up and robbing you....  
(royou:O.O)  
Thugs:*beat up royou and leave him in his united kingdom boxers*  
fangirls:*drooling*  
Royou-is-mine:*drooling*  
Bakura: ^_^ now I(ll be stealing the stuff from them, bye ^_^  
Marik: see? Very simple!  
Evil Vampire lady: I still have your motercycle. ^_^  
Marik: gimmie my motercycle!!!!!  
EVL:*rides off on his motercycle*  
marik: *chasing her screaming obscene things in egyptian about her  
ancestors*  
////////////////////////////////////////  
yeah in order to know why Marik(s motercycle was stolen you(ll have to read  
my random crossover fic...that one has gotten the most reveiws of all three  
of my stories so far...plus people who reveiw and ask, will get put in ^_^  
the next chapter has:  
Seto Kaiba V.S. the emperor (from star wars)  
Buffy finally getting over the death of her chocolate bunny  
Pyro chick setting fire to random inanimate and animate objects  
The entry and death of barney.  
This next chapter should be up after the thanksgiving break.  
Just remember:  
a small mass of land surrounded by gravy is a mashed potato  
a large mass of land is a dead rat.  
Blackmail=good, good=blackmail  
flame all you want Tell me I(m a sick sadistic jerk who smells bad and has  
acne, and I(ll tell you that your mother dresses you funny and your face  
resembles a warthog ^_^  
I love insults the world would be so empty without them ^_^  
INSULT ME!!!!!!  
REVEIW!!!!!!!!! 


	4. lesson four in which there is much insan...

Skunky: *sigh*  
shade: wow...you haven(t updated in a while  
skunky: yeah...good news though...I(m back...don(t worry I wen(t hyper in  
my crossover chapter already...that will be up when I finish it...probably  
soon (If I don(t have another disk die on me  
-_-;;)  
anyway this is back  
shade: finally  
skunky: you were quieter when you were stealing and eating all my junk food  
shade: 6.6 (innocent expression)  
///\\\\/////\\\\\/////\\\\\/////\\\\\  
finally that overambitious fool with the most OBNOXIOUS voice in all of my  
5000 years Marik, has given me control of my own chapter. FOOLISH MORTAL!  
Hmmm now what would be useful for all of you tombrobbers in training...ah  
how to dispose of your enemies...just as important as being intimidating in  
appearence, being a sunburnt whiney voiced MORON, who wears a purple cape-  
dress, and EARRINGS BY RA EARRINGS!!!!! He probably has every Gay man in  
all of Domino city after him! True i may look like a female because of  
Royou(s infernal long hair...true I had long hair back in egypt, but mine  
was MESSY. My FOOLISH mortal host actually COMBS his hair NINETY TIMES  
before going to sleep! I am surrounded by questionably dressed mortals!!!!!  
hmm. You never know, maybe one of those dead kings whose tomb I robbed  
actually got a REAl curse on his tomb, now THAT would be a first.  
Now where was I....Oh yes, destroying your enemies.  
1. Take a sharp knife and stab them.  
Not very creative, but effective and fast, and of course you can just dump  
them in the nile, and the crocodiles will take care of the evidence  
2. Torture them, then stab them.  
Even better, savor their screams.  
3. Play Michael Jackson music at them.  
....I do not know who this Michael Jackson is, but Royou fears him greatly,  
so he must be quite bad...i have to meet the guy sometime.  
(Author runs in and hands bakura a list of things to do to them)  
4. Use a meat grinder on the fool (while they are still alive) as you are  
grinding them to bits, lecture them on sin and wrongdoing, take five minute  
breaks to let the pain come to a climax. When you(re done, sell the meat  
under the name (hamburger( to a nearby elementary school cafeteria.  
-Dimitrov, ex-demon  
(Dimitrov is currently possessing the authoress: Death_cry, check out her  
fic (Last( thank you for the reveiws oh depressing one ^_^)  
excellent! I must congratulate this (Dimitrov( later on his brilliance.  
5. Tie them by their ankles to the ceiling, take a chatty preppie girl from  
off the street, fill the room slowly with fluffy animals, so the person  
suffocates and dies listening to the rambling of a superprep...if they  
don(t have a breakdown first...make tapes of their tortured screams, to  
listen to later...take the prep out to torture afterwards, by snapping and  
breaking their nails one by one. stick duct tape over their mouth, and snip  
off their hair, dye it scarlet, spike it, and give them heavy gothic  
makeup, then stick them in a room of preps and point them out, make sure  
that everyone thinks you(re friends with the newly punk preppie. -Alex,  
greenday will rule the world someday, Marik(s going to have to settle for  
canada.  
Very good ideas...what are these Preps? Are they good to torture? I must  
remember to test out my new torture methods on them.  
6. Find the traitor, take it calmly but then frame them perfectly for the  
murder of half their family, and the sexual harrassment of a rubber  
chicken, a grocery bag, and a plastic spork. Smile cheerfully whenever you  
see them, but inwardly be furious...trusted friends are hard to come by,  
the one they killed took a hundred bucks, a new metallica Cd, and your  
precious lint collection before they could be trusted -alexica, meat...it(s  
not raw, it(s fresh from the moro-er cow.  
Interesting, insane, diabolical, and sneaky. You would be an excellent tomb  
robber, remind me to kill you before you attempt to destroy me.  
7. Stare at them silently, never tell them that you know what they have  
done, sliently and quietly begin to destroy their life. Split up their  
cliques, destroy their spirit. Then...leave them. They will torture  
themselves. There will be nothing left for them, then when they come to you  
for help, turn them away. The best servants are ones who are beaten down,  
and unable to rise from the ashes of their life. -rlena, the only escape is  
destruction  
I was looking for physical destruction Rlena, not emotional destruction,  
why do you think we have the shadow realm?  
8. lower them inch by inch into a vat of molten metal, -Javon, sorry i  
can(t think of more..i have this really cool beat stuck in my head, and  
want to get it down.  
This (beat( you speak of should not matter, riches are the only thing that  
matters, if you get caught you also will have some time to drum before the  
Pharaoh kills you.  
9. Kill them with a flaming spork of DOOOOOOM -Kristian, have you seen my  
mind by any chance? It unclipped it(s leash some time ago...  
(flamin( spork of doom is property of the flaming monkey of  
darkness...eh...look for her fic on cheese...thanks for the reveiws munki!)  
Kristina, you must introduce me to this flaming friend of yours...your mind  
is lost? I had no Idea you were using one...please tell me if you would  
like me to stab it for you.  
10. Marinate the prisoner in apple juice, rub garlic on the ears (the best  
part) and baste over an open pit, turning them on a spit. Serve with a can  
of mountain dew to the cannibals next door (these social gatherings are so  
uplifting)-frank, incandescent fury  
frank, you really must invite me to your social (get togethers( whatever  
they are I admire your cooking skills with human meat. The last human I  
had, was cooked by malik...he can NOT cook by Ra I thought I would drain  
the lake! The meat was GRITTY. The imbecile used sugar instead of pepper as  
well, Bastet(s kittens he(s a terrible cook!!!! a good cook is always  
welcome in tomb robbing circles! You have a colorful career ahead of you!  
As for malik, at least Marik doesn(t ACT that blond, Malik is a stupid  
blond to the core.  
11.stick them on a boat to timbuctu with a fleet of english tachers.  
-Royou, I hate english.  
O.O!!!! royou?  
////\\\\\///\\\\\/////\\\\////\\  
skunky: there...super long chapter!  
Shade: it(s only like three pages.  
Skunky: shutup. 


	5. lesson four on threats, again with bakur...

Well I only confuse people when I start rambling about my friends so for  
once (and this may be only a once if nobody comments on how they like it  
better or worse)I won(t and I realize now how much I sound like  
Tea...*shudder* that is my worst nightmare...for the record my favorite  
characters are Royou and Bakura, Royou because he(s nice and of course  
everyone likes Royou (hint hint) and Bakura because he is insanely evil and  
a tomb robber and gives excellent advice on how to dominate the world in  
(bakura(s book of threats and more( (this was written by jessica messenger  
of the devil, it is not mine) plus most of my good quotes are from him ^_^  
oh...and marik and malik, marik because he has a nice tan (just  
kidding...he(s a psyco) and malik because, heck who DOESN(T like to stretch  
out their face???  
anyway onward...  
Disclaimer: I own Yugi-oh,^_^ put in a disclaimer or I(ll sue you! (wink)  
notice how they keep changing the title? Heheh aren(t they funny? I(m going  
to have to  
**********************  
the essential handbook for world domination  
by: Bakura/ Marik/Royou/Malik  
(a/n I know some people put it down as Malik but I(ve seen it both ways,  
I(ll personally use Marik as the less evil version of himself, and Malik as  
the totally evil version)  
Lesson five: Threats for morons  
by Bakura.  
Now most people use threats. For anything from robbing a bank to getting a  
pesky younger brother to leave a room, but it wasn(t always so, the over  
used threat merely makes a victim laugh, and most good tomb robbers know,  
that if you threaten to punch someone while robbing a bank they may just  
ask you if you want something, and the entire purpose of your attempted  
intimidation is spoiled, whereas if you pull out a millennium rod/ring,  
send someone to the shadow realm then tell the cashier to give you all  
their money then they may actually do it, for these reasons,  
a. because they want to go home with their soul still in their body, b.  
because they are worried that you are the escaped psychopathic baby sitter  
they read about in the tabloids, c. because they think you are hot when you  
demand stuff, in the case of the third, demand their phone number too,  
provided the person is attractive and of the proper gender to think such  
things if not, slap them, call them a pervert, send them to the shadow  
realm, and take all their money anyway IN THAT ORDER!!! With this money you  
are ready to buy an intimidating weapon, intimidating outfit, and a ton of  
hair gel so you can have that gravity defying, intimidating hair, which  
will go well with your manly good looks, and then after you blow the wad of  
cash off you are ready to rob another bank and do the same thing over  
again. Possible threats that are effective would include:  
(mortal! I will rip out your tongue and sell it to a middle school lunch  
room unless you give me (insert sum of money here( immediately!(  
If they do not comply kill them or send them to the shadow realm, then find  
a new victim.  
(Worthless worm!!! Give me (sum of money( or I(ll set fire to your liver!!  
And the birds of the air and beasts of the field, will feast upon your  
carcass, and all who walk past, will mock and jeer(  
if they ignore you, nod politely, call security, or just walk by while  
looking at you as if you are crazy, run after them and send them to the  
shadow realm, then drag along the body with you to the next victim and tell  
them calmly that you do not like people who do not answer you the way you  
want them to, if they still do not give you any money, give yourself two  
bodies to drag and so on until you find a group of people who will pay.  
Third threat:  
I SHALL ADD YOUR NOSEHAIRS, AND EYELIDS TO MY WALL COLLECTION UNLESS YOU  
GIVE ME THE AMOUNT OF MONEY I WANT!!!!!  
This generally works, provided people want to keep their nose hairs and  
eyelids, which is most of the time, because people usually enjoy using  
their eyelids, and nosehairs are a hard thing to live without believe it or  
not!  
Four:  
YOU WITH THE BRAINS AND LOOKS OF A DESERT SHREW! YOU SON OF A DOG AND A  
CAMEL!! GIVE ME WHAT I ASK AND I WILL NOT POST THIS PICTURE OF YOU AND YOUR  
HOME ADDRESS ON THE INTERNET, UNDER THE ACCUSATION OF CREATING THE MLA  
FORMAT BIBLIOGRAPHY  
this is one of the most highly effective threats, if they are of the few  
unaffected by such threats scream at a random pile of high schoolers and  
tell them that this person is the inventor of the mla bibliography, there  
will be no evidence left of the person(s existence...I can guarantee it!  
-bakura  
******  
I marik have no time for this drivel, for one day I shall take the  
pahraoh(s puzzle and rule the world MUAHAHAAAHHHAAAAHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!  
What is this (key-board( that royou keeps talking about? It shall not stop  
my rising to ultamite power! Nobody shall stop me!!!!!!!!!!  
This (key-board( shall be one of the many to fall beneath my ultimate  
power!!!!  
-marik  
you fool!!! Bow before me, or risk my glorious wrath!!!  
******  
Jolly-good,  
I, royou bakura wish to apologize for any problems these three may cause,  
and I do not suggest that you use the eyelids threat...malik made that one  
and he tends to have quite an effect on people, instead you may come and  
join me for tea if you wish, I highly urge you to give up this world  
domination plan.  
Someone may get hurt.  
-royou  
*******  
malik lieks fiyer!!!!!!!!!!  
Folish mortaul!!! Iy wil send yu to thee shadowe relm!!! yu wil los yor  
mynd!! Iy wil laff!!!! WAHAHAAAAAH!!!!  
Stewpid ryo wonts tew tak miye keybored!! Iy sendt ryo tew thee shadaow  
relm!! Iy wil gow laff agin!! Biy compewtur pepol!!  
Tak ofer thee wurld with mey plees!!!  
Iy(m bord!!! nd marik wil not stup lafing abut takeng ofer thee world, he  
wont plae monoplely with mey.  
T_T thatts a cring fac. Malik cring. Beecuz Malik to bord.  
-malik  
pe, es. Iy liek fiyer. do yu? Kan yu plae monopely with mey? 


	6. lesson sicks wyth me malik end ryo!

Here's something new! A chapter from malik's point of veiw!!! (I had lots  
of fun, writing the letter ^___^) malik's a little ooc, and childish, but I  
thought it was kinda am easy way to have him and royou be talking.  
//////  
leson sicks with malik, (spellchecked in the areas where malik didn't offer  
to stretch out my face for a while, by royou)  
*****  
nowe, in won reviw by mamono, shi tuld us tew rite a leson on howe tew  
scair marik. We wantud to dew this, so we gut tewgethur tew rite this for  
yu.  
We hop yu lik it.  
(Dew yu lik monoply?)  
*****  
What malik means to say is that we humbly accept your challenge, although i  
would not recommend doing this in the first place, simply because there are  
so many ways to simply enrage bakura, without even trying. To try to  
frighten him, would be suicidal to say the least. Slow torturous  
suicide...perhaps Chinese water torture or such. But malik was so happy at  
the idea, and kept ranting about how he would 'show him for never playing  
board games with him.' As you can see, I am between a rock with spikes, and  
a metal pole that is painted blond. I appear to have no choice, and if  
anyone is killed in this operation it will most likely be me. Please do not  
give malik any more ideas when he is quite 'bord'  
(in his words not mine, might I add.)  
I beg of you to halt or cease in your path to destruction, and no longer  
read the courses here- MALIK NO!!!  
*****  
yur tring tu stop mey frum haveng fun tesing marik and bakurra. Iy dun't  
want tu hav tee eny mor. Iy want tu tese marik end bakurra! Yu ar no fun  
ryu! Ples be fun ryu! Marik is meen end bakurra is tu crayzy, Iy lik yu,  
jest Iy wunt no mor tee. Kin we tese marik end bakurra now? Ples?  
*****  
Erm...alright malik, we can tease them, just as long as you don't mind  
doing a good portion of the teasing. I have no desire to become a foot rest  
for my yami.  
*****  
Thunk yu!!!^_____^yu gut a big smilly!!! wot du we du now?  
****  
I have absolutely no clue.  
*****  
wy dunt we put meet in his champo?  
*****  
his what?  
*****  
CHAMPO wut yu put in yur har to kleen it!  
*****  
shampoo? You want to put meat in his shampoo?  
****  
yess! Thu meet wil mak his har smel funee! Wahahaaaa!!!  
****  
I'm not so sure malik, bakura loves raw meat for some reason, he may be  
overly excited about meat in his shampoo...anything else?  
***  
EU! EU! We kin die his har pynk!  
****  
erm...I just realized...that's my hair too...I can't have pink hair malik.  
****  
Iy dunt lyk pynk eethur...wut abot marik? Kin Iy putt monoply peeces in his  
cereel? Kin I putt flowurs on his rod?  
****  
MALIK! Brilliant!! Bakura and marik hate flowers and other feminine items.  
If we could get those into their rooms....  
****  
WE WINN!!! Wahahahaaa! Iy kin get marik whil he sleps. Yu kin get bakurra  
he sleps after that bufy the vampre slayr shuw. Yu kin dy his skin with  
flowurs, end yur sweter wil covur it up, but his othur cloths won't wurk.  
Yu ar as genus ryo!!  
Yu ar cewl even tho yu drink tee.  
****  
lets get cracking then onward my good chap!  
****  
ryo?  
****  
what is it malik?  
***  
whuts a 'chap'?  
////to be continued\\\\  
ooh evil cliffy ^____^  
I would like to know that people actually see my efforts I updated two  
times in two days so far!!! come on people...I'll check for a few  
reveiws..I just want to know that people are still alive! 


End file.
